I don’t write very often. Maybe it’s time I start doing it more often.
I am here at home watching TV thinking about how I feel about myself. It’s a strange thing. I know logically that I am a really good person. I don’t hurt people. I don’t break the law. I respect everyone’s differences.
But what I know logically does not match what I feel about myself. When I was growing up I was told by many people that I was stupid. I was treated as an outcast, someone who would never fit in. I was put in school programs for people with behavior problems even though I didn’t have them. I was also verbally and physically abused by a number of people, some of whom are not dead.
Their voices resonate in my head. Every hour of every day I question who I am. I have this nagging voice in my head that says I am a terrible person. Somehow I have come to emotionally believe that I am the worst person that has ever lived. How do I deal with this?
The truth is that I don’t. I tell people that I fight back and that I have overcome a lot of difficult things. And it’s mostly true. But the one thing I can’t seem to overcome is myself.
I am full of ideas. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life. But the nagging voice keeps me from being able to focus on them. I get caught up in a lot of different ideas. I have a hard time selecting one to focus on.
I am also not a people person. It’s not that I don’t love interacting with others. I thrive on it. But I don’t know how to do it properly. I don’t know how to be like most other people. I am who I am. But who I am gets in the way at times.
And at the moment who I am is causing me to move backwards instead of forwards.