Abusing Self

I’m sitting at my computer wondering about my life and why I am here. I have worked so freaking hard to be where I am and I can barely remember what growing up was like. I was severely abused by a couple of family members. My mom could not protect me because she was bedridden after a terrifying accident, which I witnessed when I was 8 years old.

Today the way I was treated is still acceptable to many people. But I look back to old television and can see how abuse was promoted at times. This video of a horrible song by the Beatles is proof:

I am just shocked that even back them someone would think it was okay animated these horrible lyrics.

As a survivor of domestic violence, watching a video like this brings up a lot of feelings. The abuse is always going to be with me and it has greatly affected how I see the world and myself.

I am still dealing with the pain and the fact that I did not really have a family growing up. They were all there but not the loving, caring people all children deserve. I forgive my mom but I know that I can never truly forgive those that abused me. One is gone but one is still around. They scare me because they are still verbally and physically violent. I just don’t understand why there are people like this.

Do I abuse myself? Absolutely. I push myself hard physically and my legs are barely hanging in there. And the Pepsi addiction is killing me. I know all of this and I still do it. This is nowhere near the abuse I subjected myself to when I was younger. I used to cut myself and I would eat until I had to throw up, causing a lot of stomach pain. And the self-doubt is always there. Sometimes it’s stronger than others. Right now it happens to be stronger than usual.

I’m glad my life has changed but I still have a longways to go before I am where I truly want to be.